For you mother

Dear Mom,

I had an interesting day. That would not have gone as it did, if you were still here.

I want to tell you all about it. But you already know. But I feel like I need to write it down anyway.

My director seems to know me better than I know myself. He ranted about all of these things I feel for my dying husband. Former husband. Then he said. "Even after you left. Who did you call? Who did you turn to? Who was always there? Who always loved you?"

Mom.. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry that I never respected you. I'm sorry I never gave you the affection a teenage daughter should give her mother. I'm sorry that I couldn't break the chain and have an actual relationship between us. I'm sorry that I was so stubborn and selfish to realize everything that you did for me. Every single day. I'm sorry that I could never be an actual daughter to you. I'm sorry I never shared anything about my life with you. I come home to an empty house everyday after school, wishing that I could have changed everything. That I could have told you every little thing..

I wish I was better Mom.. I wish I wasn't so mad. I wish I wasn't so frustrated about everything. I wish I didn't hold grudges. I wish I wasn't mad at God. I wish.. You were back here. Sitting in the living room with Dad and I.

It's so hard without you.. It's so hard..